Sleep….Friend of Foe?

I remember when sleeping late on a Saturday was a treat, so wonderful it almost felt sinful.  I would listen to Joe and the boys watching cartoons and eating something awful for breakfast.  Probably Pop-Tarts and juice boxes.  I savored that extra hour or two that my Hubby gave me on the weekend.  It was delicious.

I remember squeezing in a 20 minute nap when Joe was at baseball practice with the boys.  Curled up on the couch  with the cat while something was in the oven for dinner, then waking up refreshed and ready for the evening

I remember going to bed after the news and falling asleep easily and waking in the morning before everyone and getting the morning started.

Those days feel like a dream now.  Sleep is not enjoyable.  I am never rested.  I never wake up energized.  Sleep now is a necessity that follows me from room to room taunting me.  I cannot escape it.  It brings me to my knees.  Sleep is an evil monster.  I hate him.

 As with most chronically ill people sleeping at night is a problem.  This can be  an impossible mission thwarted by the Evil Sleep Master.  Medications that should calm you down so you can sleep, instead can make you jittery and unable to close your eyes.  

Sleep is a luxury I will never enjoy again.  There are days that I cannot get up.  The exhaustion is profound.  The weakness is debilitating.  I call and plead in my dreams for someone to wake me up.   When I do wake up, my body is aching, my muscles are screaming and I just want to lay there and cry…and go back to sleep. 

I fantasize about rising at dawn and sitting on the porch drinking my coffee.  I crave the feeling of waking up rested and ready to kick ass.  I want to walk my dog, wash the floor, plants some flowers, paint my bedroom and have a big party.  But I can’t.  Not now. Not anymore.


O sleep, O gentle sleep, Nature’s soft nurse.

William Shakespeare


4 responses

  1. I can TOTALLY relate! But I have a new pulmonolgist/sleep specialist that I’m working with that is awesome & really has a positive attutde & a confidence about him that gives me hope! Plus, he’s as cute as anything which make boring follow-up visits enjoyable. I’m starting to notice a positive change in the quality of my sleep! Yah!! I hope you can have a similar experience with your sleep! HAng in there!!

    • Sandy, Thanks for all the comments and compliments!

      Cute doctors are always such a bonus aren’ t they? I have one who is a doll. I look forward to my visits with him!

      Keep visiting, I enjoy knowing people are reading. Do you have a blog? If you do let me know I love to get you know you.


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